Getting Real About Weight Gain and Health Recovery
TW: this post contains mentions of disordered eating.
Hi friends,
Deep in, but trying to smile through the detox
I wasn’t sure how long it would take me to tackle this topic, or how to even begin this conversation. This is a vulnerable post, but deals with something that I know isn’t unique to me, and therefore, valuable in sharing! Body weight/size/composition is a highly personal thing, and rather controversial these days, however, I know of many other people (primarily female-bodied individuals) who have experienced weight gain during their health recovery/brain retraining journey. So, I wanted to share a few of my thoughts and a bit of my own experience here.
The Diet + Restriction Roller Coaster
I’ve never been a particularly thin person, but instead have a body that tends to put on weight, muscle included, pretty easily. Before my “perfect storm,” I was quite athletic, spending most days running, cycling, hiking, etc. At around 5’7”, my weight would stay within the range of 130-140, depending on my activity level and such. Throughout the first several years of debilitating symptoms, I went through cycles of depression and had a blunted appetite overall. I also tended to eat more processed vegetarian/vegan food at that time. After experiencing another big dip, I found myself in the paleo/primal world, and this gave me the nutrient boost I needed to feel a little better and keep my weight relatively stable, despite the lack of physical movement. I stayed here for a few years, always carrying a few extra pounds, but nothing I couldn’t live with.
It wasn’t until the rock bottom of my symptoms a handful of years ago, that I got sucked into various extreme diets and detoxes. This took my body and weight (and nervous system!) on a roller coaster, losing lots of weight quickly on rigorous raw foods, juice cleanses, fruit fasting, and plenty of other strategies that I decidedly do NOT recommend. I spent many hours every day prepping and eating food, and much of my life at the time revolved around “cleansing” my body that I was convinced was toxic and full of viruses, heavy metals, etc. (spoiler alert: it probably wasn’t) Although I felt like hot garbage at that time, the lightness in my newly-thinner body was a sort of consolation prize. There were some ups and downs in the following year, as I added in some cooked foods, some eggs (overcoming my fear of eggs which was prompted by a certain “guru” is a topic for an entire post), and gave up the incessant juicing.
Early on in recovery, confronting my food fears
After riding out the extreme vegan and detox diet train, I realized that I had depleted my body of so many nutrients (especially protein and fat), and took a leap of faith back toward a more animal-based diet. And I was in good company. Many friends that I had connected with online through various “healing” and detox communities had started feasting on meat, eggs, and butter, and were feeling better. So I gravitated in that direction, put on a couple of pounds, improved my libido and skin, and generally felt more human again. However, I was still restricting my diet quite a bit, and was still buying into some extreme views on nutrition. But at the time, it was relatively easy to maintain, as I was still quite sedentary and didn’t socialize much. I was still living most days inside, limited by the myriad of neuroplastic symptoms that at that point, had been my norm for over a decade.
Finally Finding The Truth
Back in 2020, I came across DNRS and began my brain retraining adventure. Finally, I had found the truth about my symptoms and learned everything I could about neuroplastic conditions. As I progressed through my rewiring, I began to introduce foods into my diet, and I noticed big positive shifts whenever I let go of restrictions. These were some of the most exciting moments along the way, as they reinforced the truth that it wasn’t the food causing my symptoms- It was my brain and nervous system, stuck in a state of fear! I began to eat more cooked foods, gluten, sugar, dairy, and more. But only a little bit at a time. I’ll admit, during that first year or two, I was easily pulled back into the diet mentality, seeking a sense of control that felt familiar and safe.
Heavier but happier, and traveling again!
Then, I met my now partner, a totally “non-limbic” healthy person who eats whatever he wants and doesn't give it a second thought. This was refreshing and intriguing and also confrontational and challenging for me! Controlling my food had been a major part of my life for so long, as part of my full-time healing persona. I’d forgotten what it felt like to eat anything and everything, and not freak out about it. I credit him for supporting me in reclaiming food freedom again, and although I still flirt with thoughts of certain diets, I now mostly eat whatever I desire. But it came with a cost…
My Recovery 40
Over the course of about 1 ½ years, as I ate more like a “normal” person, I slowly put on weight. Some of this was definitely muscle, as I was finally able to start working out, climbing, and strength training again- and I wouldn’t give up this muscle weight for the world! I love feeling stronger! However, I also noticed my clothes getting tighter and tighter, and my stomach sticking out further and further. At first, I didn’t care too much, because I was too busy finally living my life again, exploring my new city, and expanding my capabilities. But as the pounds piled on, I became more and more self-conscious and more frustrated.
I’ll say it for myself, for you, and for anyone going through recovery from neuroplastic conditions- weight gain is a super normal part of the process. Many of us have endured years or decades of disordered eating and highly restrictive diets, and learning how to eat in a balanced way again can take time. I know this is nothing to be ashamed of, and although I don’t feel comfortable at my current weight/body fat %age, I choose to trust my body's recalibration. I ended up gaining about 40 lbs in total, significantly heavier than I was when I first started my brain rewiring journey.
Hitting my highest weight
Honestly, putting on so much weight has helped me better understand some of my inner workings/insecurities/control issues, as well as develop more compassion and understanding for others who struggle with their weight. I still hear the voices in my head from way back in my disordered eating days, but I consciously choose not to step back on the restriction treadmill. I believe that for me, food freedom is possible, and being able to eat intuitively is possible, and I’ve accepted that I had to let the pendulum swing far in the other direction first before I can find my middle ground. I’ve loved being able to go out to eat at restaurants, and savor the taste of pizza, pastries, and pasta again (and not some alternative gluten-free, vegan, allergen-free version)!
Finding My Balance
As of today, I’ve reached the point in my health recovery where I can be active and social again, and I’ve also passed the initial phase of “re-feeding” my body after years of detoxing and dieting. I now enjoy a wide range of foods and nutrients and have learned which make me feel my best. So, this next season of life is about reclaiming a bit more balance, letting the pendulum come to rest at the center. In the last year, I’ve had plenty of fail-to-launch diet ideas, which my partner has graciously tried to support me through. But I always end up letting go of them quickly, much more quickly than in the past, an indication to me that my brain needs more freedom, ease, and trust when it comes to food.
For me right now, my goal is to give my active body enough fuel to easily workout, climb, run, and engage with the world. I am learning all over again what foods feel grounding and which feel uplifting. And ultimately, trying to unlearn all the nutritional dogma that I’ve absorbed over the years, much of which kept my nervous system stuck in stress mode and made eating an anxiety-riddled experience. I don’t want to go back into food fear, but want to make steps forward in a way that supports my mental health too.
Bigger body, but stronger and more capable!
So far, I’ve shed a handful of those extra pounds, but it’s been frustratingly slow. There are days that I wish I could snap my fingers and have my “old body” back, but then I remind myself how extremely sick and miserable I was during those years. And I wouldn’t go back to that place for anything.
Perhaps some of you can resonate with what I share here. If you are one of the many of us who have dealt with weight gain and other body changes during recovery from neuroplastic conditions, you’re definitely not alone. And of course, if you’re looking for a coach who gets it, I’m your gal.
Psst- have you downloaded my free brain retraining starter guide? It’s packed with lots of great info and tips for your recovery, plus you’ll get a whole email series about my recovery journey so far. You can get your free PDF here.
Thank you for reading a bit about my experience! And please note, that this is me sharing about my journey, and may not be reflective of your experience or opinions. I know that talking about weight can be triggering for some.
I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments, or connect with me on socials.
Until next time, I’m wishing you joy and ease…
