10 Ways To Support Someone Who Is Rewiring Their Brain
Hello dear friends!
I’ve been mulling over how to write this blog for some time now. For those who have followed me for a while, you’ll know that I have dealt with chronic health issues for over 12 years, and last year, began a self-directed neuroplasticity program to recover from them. I now know that, for me, my condition is the result of a perfect storm (a combination of infections, toxic exposures, life stress) that ended up injuring a part of my brain- the limbic system. I believe this limbic system impairment (LSI) is a significant issue for millions of us out there with chronic, mysterious, and often invisible, illnesses.
The last 16 months of rewiring my brain have been quite different than I had anticipated, but I’ve realized that the whole process, while it’s a wild ride for me, can be very confusing to someone on the outside. I’ve realized that all of us with LSI have people in our life that want us to feel better and truly want to support us through our recovery. But there just isn’t much information out there on the internet that’s written for those who love or care about those of us rewiring our brains! There aren’t many resources on HOW to support someone who is recovering from LSI. So, if that’s you, please take the time to read this. While this post is written from my own perspective and experience, the tips I share are applicable to most cases. For reference, the neuroplasticity programs I am familiar with are the Dynamic Neural Retraining System (DNRS) and the Gupta Program, but I mainly write from a DNRS perspective.
First, a very brief primer on LSI. I won't go into detail, because there are many videos and articles out there on what LSI is and how to recover from it using neuroplasticity. But I will mention that limbic system impairment is a stress-induced brain injury that essentially kicks the nervous system into fear mode. It’s like the switch gets stuck in the “on” position and results in cascades of inflammation and physical/mental/emotional symptoms. I highly recommend you check out some online resources to learn more about how this happens, and I’ll give you a few to start with:
If you care about, live with, or love someone with this type of condition, it’s normal to feel helpless. We get it. But I hope this helps. Here are some of the ways that you can support someone who is rewiring their brain and healing from LSI:
1. Don’t Rush us
I’ll tell you, when I first started DNRS, I was expecting to see big healing results in just a few months, but it’s been anything but that for me. Everyone’s brain is different, and everyone has a different recovery timeline. The biggest thing you can do is not rush us or pressure us. Try to be patient with the process, and with us along the way. Trust me, we’re doing the work and we’re doing the best we can, but we can’t make things go faster no matter how much we may want to.
2. Learn the lingo
Sometimes talking with other retainers, I realize that we speak a different language than other people! We throw around words that most won’t understand. But if you’re on our side and want to be able to communicate with us, feel free to learn the lingo. It’s slightly different depending on the program (I’m only familiar with DNRS and Gupta), but terms like LSI, limbic system, “ITs” and “POPs”, DOSE chemistry, the 5 Pillars, and Rounds are how I find myself talking much of the time. Ask your loved one to explain some of the terms for you!
3. Prioritize safety and calm
For most of us with brain dysfunction, our nervous system is locked in fight/flight/freeze/fear mode much of the time, and our top priority is teaching our brains and bodies what it feels like to be safe and calm. I’ll admit, after over a decade, I’d forgotten what it feels like to experience true calm, and realized that I need as many calm inputs as possible around me in order to rewire it in. A sense of safety can come from both internal and external cues, but you can help with the latter! Check out the polyvagal theory for more information on nervous system states, and how to be a safe co-regulator for your loved one.
4. Don’t judge based on appearance
It’s a double-edged sword, living with a kind of LSI that is invisible to the general public. People like me may appear totally normal and healthy, but on the inside we’re anything but. If we are able to be more active, be social, or take care of tasks around the house one day, don’t assume we’re recovered or that we’ll be able to do it all again tomorrow. And if you’re confused why we’re resting a lot or always seem tired, when we don’t really do much, please understand that it takes a tremendous amount of energy to just deal with an overactive limbic system on a daily basis. It’s tiring just being in our bodies and brains much of the time, and coping with symptoms that you can’t see.
5. Don’t be offended by our need for distraction
I get that in the wellness world, we’re shamed for being on our phones or being constantly busy, but in some cases, this is what we need as part of our recovery. It took me over a YEAR to learn that being totally still or quiet can be super triggering, and that actually having a positive input into my brain was helpful, not harmful. If your loved one has a brain that is used to constant negative stimulation, they may rely on the same level of stimulation during certain stages of recovery. This replaces negative loops with positive ones and helps us get into DOSE easier. So please don’t be offended if it seems like we’re always on our phones or needing to watch/listen to something. Trust me, it’s more useful than forcing us to unplug at times.
6. Help us refocus
One of the biggest tenets of brain retraining is redirecting focus away from symptoms and limiting belief patterns, and towards calm, joy, and pleasure. At least for me, this has been a MONUMENTAL task, and it’s so easy to get pulled back into POPs (pathways of the past). If you want to help us with us, be a part of our mood elevation! Don’t always ask us about symptoms or check in on how we’re feeling, don’t coddle us too much, and instead help us stay focused on happy things! This is different for everyone, so I suggest talking to your loved one about their needs and preferences here.
7. Don’t muddy the waters
Many of us have arrived at brain retraining after years of trying all sorts of therapies, techniques, and cures out there, and it can be tempting to continue trying, which distracts us from the commitment to rewiring. We know that you’re just trying to be helpful, but what we need most is for you to help to stay on track with our neuroplasticity program. Please understand that, if you have a healthy/non-LSI brain, what works for you won’t work for us. Same for your coworker, your aunt’s friend, the cashier at the grocery store, and anyone else who has gotten better with xyz. Don’t be a part of the distraction, or throw too many options at us, especially when you think the process is taking too long- remember #1.
8. Ride the waves and cycles with us
Most people know that healing isn’t linear, but we have a hard time grasping that healing from LSI can be a dance of waves and cycles. Sometimes we get worse before we get better, sometimes we have to revisit the same themes over again before they rewire, and sometimes we go through cycles of activity/rest, joy/sadness, etc. It’s a process of peeling back the layers of the onion, with plenty of “ebbs and flows” along the way. Try to share our successes, but don’t get disheartened when it seems like we’re going backward. Recovery requires resilience and adaptability, and the dedication to keep going even when it looks like we’re not making progress.
9. Honor the personal process
While on the surface, brain retraining may seem simple, like a set program that everyone goes through in the same way, it’s anything but. Recovery is a deeply personal journey, and requires us to face our trauma responses, which may be all we know. Understand that many of us have lost touch with the sense of our true self along the way with LSI, and that coming home to ourselves can be uncomfortable at times. We are likely dealing with elements of shame, guilt, frustration, anger, and deep grief. Please don’t take these things on as your own, but allow us space to relearn how to be a whole human again.
10. Take care of yourself too
Being a caregiver, partner, roommate, friend, or any other support person for someone with LSI can take its own toll. It’s important to take good care of yourself along the way, and we want you to! We love when you are an active participant in our brain rewiring, but we know that you have your own life, your own hobbies, and your own responsibilities. We want you to prioritize your self-care, so you can be your happiest, most nourished, and most grounded self. Please don’t neglect your needs on our behalf.
Bonus: embrace the silly and weird
Rewiring the brain for calm and joy can be pretty silly at times. Whenever we catch ourselves focusing on symptoms or thinking old, unhealthy thoughts, we’re supposed to counteract it with something positive. So, if you catch us randomly smiling or laughing for apparently no reason, singing silly songs, doing little dances, saying affirmations, or anything else, just roll with it. Maybe even join in!
I know how frustrating and helpless you may feel, if you love someone with brain dysfunction. Hopefully these tips will give you a way to stay connected with your loved one, and to show your support during their recovery.
Chronic illness in general, but the recovery process itself too, can feel extremely lonely and isolating. So any way that our partners, friends, and family show up for us means the world! We appreciate our support systems more than we can ever express.
On behalf of all us brain retrainers, thank you.
Much love,
